I'm sure we've all been asked this question at some point in our adult lives. I have been on the receiving end of this loaded question and have sometimes found myself guilty of repeatedly asking it to close family and friends. As human beings, we tend to put an immense amount of pressure on ourselves to accomplish certain goals with, Be married by age x and have x amount of children by the time I'm age x, as one of them. As we grow and mature, we start to develop our own sense of self and our goals begin to change. For some people or couples, having children may not be a part of their story, whether by choice or because of reasons out of their control. Asking the question, "So when are you having kids?" lends itself to the idea that this is something we SHOULD be accomplishing in our lives.
In an article written by Claire Cain Miller with The New York Times, a desire for more leisure time, not having a partner, and no desire to have children were among the top reasons why people are not having kids. Those impacted by infertility are to be included in this discussion as well. According to the Office on Women's Health, "About 10 percent of women (6.1 million) in the United States ages 15-44 have difficulty getting pregnant or staying pregnant". As a society we have to become more aware of the impact our expectations, through our questions, has on the lives of others. You are not entitled to an answer when you ask the question "So, when are you having kids" but here are 2 ways you can be a support to your friends and family in relation to their parenthood story.
1. Be Genuinely Curious
Don't ask with the intent to be nosy or to gossip. Also be aware of how your expectations and beliefs are guiding the questions you are asking. Asking questions like: "So what's the next step for you? Where do you see yourself/ yourselves in the next 5 years? Have you thought about if you want to have kids? How do you feel about having children? allows you to remain curious about learning the goals the person or couple may have, versus telling them what you think they should be doing currently or in the future as it relates to having children.
2. Be Respectful
Whatever their response is to your attempt to be genuinely curious, respect it. Everyone is in a different place in terms of transparency and their willingness to be vulnerable with you. It doesn't mean they don't value your relationship; it just means you have to respect the "invisible" boundary they have put in place as it relates to the topic of kids.
For those of you who are being asked THE question, the non-therapist side of me would say to tell those people "Mind your business. Please and thank you!" However, the professional side of me will provide you with these 2 tips:
1. Determine what you want to share with others
It’s honestly that simple! Once you decide how much of your journey you are willing share with others, you’ll feel less anxious when the questions do come up. If you're single, maybe write down some statements you'd like to say if you're asked THE question. Sometimes a simple yet honest answer could be “I haven’t thought that far ahead yet”. If you’re in a relationship, you can come up with a list together. Doing this could also help to provide insight on some of those topics you haven’t yet discussed as it relates to your journey to parenthood.
2. Live your Life
Regardless of what other people or your family thinks about your decision, be comfortable with it. Accept that you know what’s best for you! Once you give yourself the permission to live for you, you will start to feel less worried about what other people have to say.
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